Thursday, August 16, 2012

You Can’t Make This Sh*t Up

It’s a Thursday, which means football (aka soccer) for all three kids.  The youngest is at 5:00, the twins are at 6:30.  But today my daughter is being dropped off at the neighbor’s to practice for an event.  After my 5:00 run, I returned home to hang some more clothes on the lines, figuring they could be dry by about 8:00 before the dew forms.  I dropped her off then quickly popped back home to check my email before taking her twin to practice.  (Note to self:  get a smart phone!) 

Scattered thunderstorms were promised, and indeed practice was cancelled.  With that, I decided to get my youngest in the event that his practice was shortened.  As soon as I thought that, he called to be picked up.  Yep, his practice was cut short.

I sped off with my son and niece in tow, thinking to myself, “I wonder if the storm will hold off long enough for me to return and get the clothes off the lines.” It started to drizzle, so I asked my son to call home to let my nephew pick them up quickly; but we scrapped that idea when the drizzling turned to rain. 

When the rain turned to torrents, I attempted to get my window up, but it was not happening.  The window on the driver’s side has a little situation where it requires two people to operate.  Occasionally, if I’m lucky, it goes up on its own.  But typically, it takes one person to press the button, and another to hold the window, and pull and jiggle until it’s aligned.  And would you believe that today was not my lucky day!

That storm came from nowhere.  Well, I knew a storm was coming.   I just didn’t know precisely when it was going to start, and my storm starter device wasn’t working.  But before you know it, there was lightning and thunder, and the window still wasn’t cooperating.  At that point, my son and niece went into panic mode because they were exceptionally quiet.

I’m thinking, “Boy, if I didn’t have to get my own flesh and blood, I would have just reversed and told the coach to keep him.”  I kept trying the button but to no avail.  I wasn’t so scared……..initially, but when the wind started pushing the minivan, I admit a wave of fear came over me too.  I’m thinking, “I know we are not going to die, but my God, I wouldn’t know what to do if lightning struck one of the passengers.”  (Notice I didn’t say the driver.)

As we came upon a fallen tree, my son reached his limit and started sobbing.  My niece had reached her boiling point too since every lightning and thunder drew a whimpering sound. 

It usually takes 10 minutes to get to the field, but due to the heavy rain beating on the windscreen, at times I could barely see.  We finally got to my son, and I tried the window again, with the help of my older son.  Still no luck.

When my youngest came in, I headed to a gas station to see if I could work some magic under the shelter.  Both boys pressed the button while I gripped, jiggled, pulled and tugged at the window; but no luck.  I don’t know if my hands were too slippery or if I was just scared, but nothing worked.

I thought the heck with this.  The wind is actually causing not too much rain to come inside the van, so I’ll take my chances and a different route and go home.  We called my nephew and asked him to make room in the garage and to open the door.  When we got home, I was so happy that we made it home safely that in my haste to get in the spot and not damage the barbeque grill on the left, I forgot about my right and dragged the side of the car on the beam of the garage door.

I do it, so I’ll say that the average woman does it.  You know what?  I believe most women do it.  Heck, I’ll go out on a limb and say that all women do it.  And I can get away with it because the average man will agree with me.  You know what?  Most men will agree with me.  Heck, every man that reads this WILL agree with me. 

Here goes:  A woman will blame her man for something that she is wholly responsible for, no matter how far away he is or how far-fetched her rationale is.  I haven’t blamed my husband directly, but if he has been paying any attention to his wife, he has to know that blame is coming his way.  And this is why I partially blame him for the accident, incident.  It stems from a conversation we had several weeks earlier.

Me:  I can’t wait for this van to break down again so I can buy a new car.
Him:  Why do you have to wait?  You can buy your car now because we are keeping this van.

If the conversation had gone like this,
Me:  I can’t wait for this van to break down again so I can buy a new car.
Him:  You must be kidding.  That van still has a few more years to go.
Me:  You must be nuts.  In fact, I’m getting a BMW X5.
Him:  You must be drinking.  You better look into a Kia Sportage.
Me:  You must be smoking some of that good Jamaican stuff.  I’ll just get a Volkswagen Tiguan.
then I wouldn’t have to worry about all the logistics like what kind of car to get, what color to get, when to get it. 

Didn’t even give me a chance to argue, bitch or whine.  I don’t know about you, but I think that was cruel and unusual punishment.  Downright inhumane, I might add!

For months I had been thinking of getting a new car.  Apart from the window issue, there is the radio issue.  It doesn’t work all the time either. But I could live with that.  I mostly use it to transport the kids or run errands, and seriously I could do with the peace and quiet.  Then the back doors don’t lock all the time.  I could also live with that.  It just takes someone to pull up the locks to let someone else in.  But the window issue is real annoying……Well, in bad weather.

As I assessed the damages on the van and the garage, I realized things weren’t as bad as I initially thought.  I also thought, “Hey, not a bad way to get a new car.”  While the kids helped me get the soggy clothes off the lines and off the grass (you know the wind had its way with them) to rewash, I thought, “Hey, one more dent gives the van more character.  Plus it’ll be a whole lot easier to locate it in a crowded parking lot.  And, perspectively speaking, that was not even the worst ‘can’t get my window up in bad weather’ experience I ever had!”