Monday, July 16, 2012

Moments I Wish the Camera Was Rolling

The other day my nephew said something so outrageous that my other nephew, my children and I were completely baffled.  Now I didn’t say that I don’t remember what he said; simply that he said it.  The other children queried, commented and moved on.  But me, oh no. I had more questions and many more jokes.

After a while, I was back to interviewing him.  I needed more answers.  I needed more clarification.  And I thought I was funny too.  So the last joke I cracked, I gave my signature thigh-slapping laugh and fell right into the dishwasher door.  How was I to know that my daughter was emptying it and had left it wide open?

As I fell, my initial thought (and let me just state that each and every thought came with a facial expression) was, “Okay that’s funny!”  Then I thought, “Oh shit, hope I didn’t break the dishwasher!” Then I looked at my youngest son and thought, “Oh no, I better get up quickly to console him.”

My little pumpkin saw all these expressions and thought I was dying.

Speaking of near death falls..........

Two years ago, I got my eyes done.  A lil’ Lasik here, a lil’ Lasik there.  Being the perfect patient, when the doctor presented me with goggles to sleep in, I thought it made perfect sense to also wear them during the day for protection against any clumsy kid.

A couple of days later, the door bell rang, and one of the boys informed me that a stranger was outside.  I was at the top of the stairs cutting someone’s nails; so naturally I wore the goggles.  I got up and on my way down the steps, I decided to remove them.  Apparently, for someone with my dexterity, doing those two tasks simultaneously proved to be an impossibility.  I missed a step, but instead of simply misstepping, I tumbled down the steps like a Raggedy Ann Doll.  I swear I hit everything except my belly button.  I got up like Jack in the Box (after all, someone left the door open, and this stranger had a front row seat)!  I walked down the rest of the steps, went to the door, smiled and asked how I can help.  Of course she wanted to pretend that she didn’t see, but let’s face it:  Ray Charles would have known exactly where I landed.  So after a bit, she asked if I was okay.  I replied, “I’ll live.”  To diffuse the situation, we made some small talk until she informed me that I was bleeding.  I brushed it off and continued talking. 

She had wanted directions.  I gave them to her, and then closed the door.  I thought to myself, “Of all the houses to come, why this heifer had to come here and make me fall, I don’t know.”  When I looked up, my boys were bawling their eyes out.  They thought for sure I was dead.

Speaking of clumsy falls..........

Three years ago, our sister-in-law was having her daughter baptized and invited my sister and me.  I’m highly directionally challenged, which I admit.  My sister is too, which she doesn’t admit; but I will say this:  every time she gives me directions, I’m tempted to go the opposite direction knowing that I’ll end up where she says.  Anyway, I had a GPS (I know, it is just less challenging and only helps because I won’t get lost going back home) so we entered the church’s address.  In case you never noticed, one thing that is not lacking in this US of A is CHURCHES.  So when the GPS first took us to the address, we didn’t see a church.  (Also, not all churches are held in “churches”, so it can be complicated.)  We thought we might have put in Ave instead of Rd or something of that sort, so the geniuses that we are, we changed it and lo and behold, that new address had a church.  So we must have been right, right?

Since we were running late, I suggested that my sister go inside with the kids while I parked the car.  By the time I got inside, the kids were already settled in the children’s service, but my sister and I noticed that we could not find our sister-in-law.  We knew she went to a Spanish speaking nondenominational church, but this church looked quite Episcopalian.  That was when it dawned on us, not only were we at the wrong church, but this church looked like it could have done with the extra worshippers.

There was no way I was going to remove those kids, so I whispered to my sister, “While I get the car, can you get the kids?”  When I picked them up, we were all in stitches.  I drove like a maniac back to the first address, trying to maneuver Newark’s Sunday morning traffic.  We finally got our sister-in-law on the phone, and she confirmed that the address was correct.

When we entered the church, one of the things I noticed was a step down.  I thought to myself, shouldn’t there be some kind of cautionary note?  Before I was even able to tell the others to be careful, my sister stumbled down it.  At first she looked like she was about to fall but was trying hard not to.  And I thought she was going to succeed, but her footing was quite wrong, and she fell to the ground.

I mean, who falls flat on their bottom in a strange church, especially when you are about an hour late?  I know she was thinking, “I came here for a Christening; I didn’t come here to fall.”

Speaking of being late..........

Years ago, I was late for work as usual; but it was Casual Friday.  The fact that it was a Friday, and that we dressed casually are not useless information that I’m dropping.  By Friday I was mentally done for the week, and because it was casual, I was wearing comfortable shoes and clothing which made me think it was okay to sprint to the subway station.  

What I didn’t anticipate was the front of my shoe hitting the jutted sidewalk and my lunch bag flying one way, my bag another way and I sprawled out on the sidewalk wearing of all things white pants. (I don’t know what possessed me to buy white pants years prior to the fall, but they were in my closet, and I didn’t feel like getting rid of them so I used them for Casual Fridays).  In all the commotion, I was surprised when out of nowhere two men came to assist me and my possessions.  

I kept a straight face, but once I entered the subway I could not control myself because I only visualized it – they must have been in stitches every time they pictured it.

Speaking of nephews (well, earlier)..........

Several years ago at my sister’s summer barbeque, we were playing rounders.  If you are not West Indian, it’s baseball without a bat.  My nephew (who is not known for being a prankster) was throwing/pitching, and it was my turn to hit.  A few times he shammed me, and I fell for it; so the last time he did it, I called his bluff; but since he’s not known for his pranks, he probably got bored and by the time I realized he had let go the ball, it took me too long to wrap my brain around the concept, and just like in the movie Caddyshack, I stayed there motionless, watching the ball coming right at my nose.  

He had not been throwing the ball perfectly either, so I didn’t expect him to perfect his throw on that swing.  Boy was I pissed!  Especially when the two people who found it the funniest were his mother and my husband.  Then he started to cry which really ticked me off more because I was the one who should have been crying.  

Luckily, it was a tennis ball, but every time I picture the ball coming at me, the only thing that comes to my mind after I chuckle is, “It would have been a LOT funnier if it were somebody else.”

Look, life is short.  We have to be able to make fun at ourselves and others.  Well, we don’t have to, but perspectively speaking, it is a lot more fun than walking around looking like somebody just farted!