Kids: You Don’t Have To Like Them, But You Gotta Love Them!

First scenario:

My husband took his birthday week off to spend with the family.  I kept reminding the kids that “Daddy’s birthday is coming up.”  After the fifth time or so, I was told by my youngest, “I know, Mommy”.  So of course I was shocked when our older son came downstairs on the special day without saying anything to his father.  We gave him a few minutes.  Nothing.  Finally I couldn’t take the suspense anymore.

Me:  What’s today?

Him:  Wednesday.

My husband and I chuckled, which caused some confusion.

Him:  Is it Thursday?

We laughed.  He checked the calendar.

Him:  It’s Wednesday.  Ha!

We are loling, ready to rotf.

Me:  But what’s the date?

Him:  The 18^th.

I look at him in bewilderment, because I could not believe my ears.

Him:  The 19^th?

We gave up after about 20 minutes of this painful encounter.  Of course his twin is ignoring him, mostly because she is used to him.  Plus she has already wished her father a happy birthday.

The youngest comes downstairs, and I ask, “What’s today?”  He promptly responds, “Daddy’s birthday.”

My oldest looks at his father sheepishly and blushes.  I say to him, “Don’t you remember when my friend called and spoke to your father instead of me?  Shouldn’t that have given you a clue?”

Him:  And she asked how my daddy’s birthday was so far, but I forgot. 

Second scenario, same child.

I got so upset with the telemarketers’ calls that I gave the children leeway to speak to them and respectfully dismiss them anyway they wanted.

One day I received a call from Proactiv Solution which really irritated me because I had been telling them for years that their products give me pimples.

My son passionately took the call, but panicked when someone answered; so he hung up.  Trying to redeem himself, he pressed the caller id button and called them.  When someone answered, he said, “Don’t call our house again!”  And hung up.  I bet the customer service rep didn't know what just transpired.

Third scenario, older son again.

Me:  I notice you are unusually quiet today.  Is everything okay? 

Him:  I think a kid from my class died.

Me:  The school hasn’t called.  How do you know?

Him:  Well one day I saw him chewing on his pencil, and he hasn’t been to school for over a week.

Me:  (Trying to hold in my laughter.) He’s not dead, baby.  He’s probably sick or went on a vacation.

Him:  My health teacher says pencils are poisonous.

Fourth scenario, older son again.  Do you sense a pattern here?

We were at Five Guys Burgers and Fries when he saw a sign that stated TODAY’S POTATOES ARE FROM SHIRLEY, ID.  He asked me if a woman named Shirley gave them the potatoes.

Fifth scenario.  Guess who?

A few years ago, my daughter mentioned that she was learning about Veterans Day, so I told her that her uncle is a vet.  Her twin looked at me with shock and awe and repeated it.  I couldn’t figure out what the big deal was, so I asked if he didn’t know that.  He said to me, “Do you mean that he takes care of animals?”

Sixth scenario, Daddy’s birthday again.

On our way to Red Lobster, we decided to use the car instead of the minivan and ended up in very close proximity.  The children were in the back seat discussing amongst themselves what they were going to order since they had already talked about it when we heard the youngest saying that he wants the left back leg of the lobster.  My husband asked him if lobsters have legs to which he replied, “If they didn’t have legs, how would they walk?”

In his excitement, he couldn’t stop talking which really drove his older brother nuts.  He claimed that the excitement was giving him a headache.  During one of his outbursts, his brother said to him, “You don’t have to scream in my ear?” to which the younger one replied, “Do you have to spit in my ear.”

Poor guy, even when he tries to be the smartass, it backfires.

Seventh scenario:

We were around the table eating, and the kids were chatting nonstop as usual.  We were having fish, as usual (hubby is a pectarian) when the eldest said, “Did you know that the fish is our relative?” I said to him, “Maybe yours.”  When he realized he could really do some teaching, he said, “Did you know that gorillas are our cousins?”  Again I said maybe yours.  But the youngest didn’t waste any time and replied, “Yeah, you look just like them.”

I know they drive me crazy some days, but perspectively speaking, my life would be so empty and dull without them.