For Better or For Worse

I’ve been married for 17 years.  I’ve been with this man for the past 24 years and have known him for over 26 years.  After more than a quarter of a century, after more than half of my life, it is with great pleasure that I can say that I still love him.  He is my best friend.  He is the wonderful father of our children.  I mean who knew that when we met as teenagers, some day my kids and his kids would be siblings?  Who knew?  He is by far the easiest person I have had the pleasure to live with.  He is the most laid back person I have ever encountered.  So again I will reiterate, I love this man.

But damn, he has this annoying habit that drives me crazy!!!!!

It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him something, it doesn’t matter how many times I mention a name, it doesn’t matter how many times I write the schedule on the bulletin board, without fail he WILL ask me the same questions repeatedly. 

Case in point:  Our oldest child goes to Math Lab every day except Fridays.  One Friday afternoon, my husband was in the vicinity of the school at about 3:00.  I thought to myself, “I know this guy is going to call and ask if he should wait and pick up that boy.”  I kid you not, about three seconds later the phone rings.  Dude is on the other line asking me if he should pick up our son.

Every single time he goes to the grocery store, I wait for the call because I know it is coming.  “Which one do you want?”   How about the one that we usually buy?  You know, the one that looks like the one we just used.  But I have to be careful because once or twice when I got too cocky, I heard on the other end, “Okay then, get it your damn self.”  So now I check myself before I wreck myself.

Because the children are no longer in daycare, no one has the same schedule anymore; so life has become a little bit more complicated.  Hence, I developed a system.  I have a word document where I enter each child’s activities on a biweekly basis.  Yes it’s color coded!  I pin it on the bulletin board.  Then so as not to get confused – because believe it or not I have looked at the wrong date for the wrong child and arrived at the wrong time – I write the day’s schedule on the white board.  Color coded, of course, including travelling time too.  I know, it is not brain surgery, but when you have taken your child to the wrong baseball field and you have no idea what the coach’s number is and you are both in a panic, it’s no picnic.  And how much gas and time have I wasted driving a kid to basketball practice when I realize I’m at the stop light, and I’m not sure if I should go straight for the elementary or intermediate school or left for the middle or high school?  I can pull over and call home, but what if I left in a hurry and don’t have my cell phone or all three kids are with me?

So the biweekly schedule is there; and the daily schedule is there.  Would you believe on the weekends when the love of my life is available, that instead of glancing on the board he ALWAYS, without fail, asks, “Does anybody have anything today?  When?  Where?” 

If I’m in a shitty mood, I ignore him.  I just can’t.  And since it’s about the kids, he will usually take them if I’m busy.  But the times that I’m vying for Wife of the Year, I simply tell him because once I’ve written it down I will remember.  Plus it is less stress to just answer.  I mean who wants a silly fight over the weekend?  Weekends are only long when one is having fun.  Try getting mad with someone you live with on a Friday night and see how long it takes for Sunday to arrive!

And don’t get me started with mentioning a well used name in a conversation with him.  “Who is that?”  Seriously! I have mentioned that name like 50 times before.  Doesn’t he listen?  And of course God forbid I say that.  I know I’m going to hear.  “Do you expect me to remember all those people?”  And if I continue, I know he will let me know in no uncertain terms, that he really doesn’t care to hear.  And the thing is, he really doesn’t.  Me on the other hand, it would bug me if I didn’t get to hear the rest of the story.  But him, never.  Do I have to add how irritating that is too……that level of self-control?

Then there is planning trips with him.  If he asks for confirmation one more time if I’m still going somewhere when I have confirmed four times previously, I’m just going to kill somebody.  Seriously, unless I’m a bona fide crazy person, there is no way that I’m going to sit down and plan to go somewhere and do something and then when the day comes change my mind.

I can just hear some people saying, “Really!  Is that what she’s complaining about?  That is her worse?”  But perspectively speaking, my husband is the one who is married to an extremely hot tempered, anal, chatty and wacky individual.  And if he has managed to stay calm amidst my storm, then I vow to accept his flaw for better or for worse.

She Did What? Where? Oh Hell No!!

So Beyoncé lip synched the National Anthem at the second inauguration of President Obama.  Well, I don’t want to get sued for libel, so let me say alleged.  Wait, let me just Google the facts first.  Yup, she did it.  Well, she didn’t lip synch Milli Vanilli style.  This is the 21st Century.  She was, according to The Independent “singing live along with a pre-recorded tape instead of the US Marine band”.  They went on to say that she told the press, "I practice until my feet bleed and I did not have time to rehearse with the orchestra. Due to no proper sound check, I did not feel comfortable taking a risk."

I didn’t really watch this inauguration.  Although the second inauguration of the first black (okay, biracial) president is still a big historical deal, especially happening on Martin Luther King Day, making it monumental, I had things to do.  Even though no one was watching me as I took the kids to the orthodontist, got ready for a soccer game and proceeded with my chores, I still had them to do.  And as much as I love my president, at the end of the day, Congress holds all the power, so really the inauguration festivities are just pomp and substance that I can do without this time.

As a wise man once said, “Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."  Therefore, I’m not going to get too caught up in what President Obama promises to do.  Apparently, when I voted for one President and one Pennsylvania Senator, I accidentally voted for 535 people - the entire Congress.

But even if I had sat down and watched the inauguration, I still would not know if she lip synched or not.  I’m just not that sophisticated when it comes to stuff like that.  Plus, how big a deal is this really?  Nobody died.  No national secrets were at risk.  No war was authorized.

Right!...........WRONG!!!

I know, even I am surprised that I’m taking this stance; but the way I see it, if I can appear live to hear you sing, the least you can do is sing live.  I’m tired of these entertainers mouthing to their “pre-recorded”, perfect versions, then bringing them to fools like me who will NEVER know any better.

I’m tired of people not singing live on Saturday Night Live.  Tired.  I’m tired of people not singing live at live concerts.  Tired.  I’m tired of people not singing live  at live national events.  Just tired.  I can lip synch.  They shouldn’t.  I can lip synch because I can’t sing to save my life; but I never claimed to be a singer.  If you say you are a singer, then sing dammit!

I understand that it is difficult to sing and dance at the same time.  If you can’t do both at the same time, then pick one.    If you can sing, then sing and leave the dancing to the dancers.  If you can dance, then shut the hell up and dance.  But don’t try to do both.  What are they going to do next?  Fake dance in front of me?  The sad thing is they will probably get away with it too!

And I know this shouldn’t upset me because really, the Obamas, Beyoncé , Jay-Z, they are all chums.  Michelle Obama once said, (and she won’t mind me repeating this; after all we are BFFs ----- in my head) if she wasn’t Michelle Obama, she wishes she were Beyoncé .  Michelle loves Beyoncé .  And I can totally relate because if I wasn’t Myra, I would like to be Michelle………without the bangs though.  I love her but, dang, that hairstyle does not suit her.  But that is not the matter at hand, so let me stay focused.

Really.  Bangs!  She is looking to greet 50!  What the hell she is doing wearing bangs?  Bangs!!  Only two kinds of people should wear bangs.  Little girls and old women.  Pick one Michelle.  Pick one. 

Oh yeah, I was off that.

But how would entertainers feel if the audience just phoned pictures of themselves in instead of showing up live to see and hear them perform live?  How would they feel if audiences used fake money to pay to hear them lip synch?  Come on people, I’m here live and in person, just perform live and in person right back at me!!

Unfortunately, I understand why they do it though.  I still don’t agree, but I understand.  Everyone is so critical.  Everyone expects mere human beings to be perfect all the time.  God forbid that Beyoncé  practices like crazy and when January 21^st  comes, she makes a tiny slip.  They won’t forgive, and they won’t forget.  God forbid, she gets so nervous that she forgets the words or the tune.  Oh, that would be an international scandal.

Because of all this pressure to always be perfect, it drives people to do risky things like getting unnecessary surgeries.  If it wasn’t for fear of not looking young and perky, Kanye West would not be with Kim Kardashian right now.  I could be reaching here, but he would still have his mother to knock some sense into him.  Not that I care who he dates because with or without his mother, he is still a jackass, but at least I would be spared seeing pictures of him and Kim when I log on to AOL to check my email and catch some news.  And Lance Armstrong wouldn't be on Oprah telling more lies.

In this country, if a big budget movie does not debut at number one, the media and critics call it a flop.  If a company reports earnings a penny short of analysts’ estimates, everybody panics and dump their stocks.  If someone comes in second, it’s a tragedy.

Look, I get it.  I love to win. I love to come first.  (That sounded a tad bit sketchy, so let me correct.)  I love to come in at first place. But this is life, so it won’t always happen.  Sometimes I just have to live with second place.  I have to live with a loss.  And I have to live with it gracefully.  It doesn’t mean that I’m a colossal failure if I come place second.  It doesn’t mean that I am worthless if I lose to someone else.  Striving for perfection is not a bad thing because it encourages us to always strive higher, but just as we strive, so do others; therefore sometimes, someone else will get the edge.

So the next time Christina Aguilera flubs “The Star-Spangled Banner” at the next Super Bowl just before the next hyped up quarterback misses an easy pass, just give them a break because perspectively speaking a lot of things look a whole lot easier from the outside.