I Am Borderline.......

Hypochondriac:

The other day my sister happened to mention that she was taking Aspirin due to some kind of blood issue.  I didn’t understand the entire story before I thought I had blood clots formulating.  I started feeling some stimulation in my legs.  The piercings went throughout my entire body, but when it shot through my head, I knew for sure a stroke was on its way.   I called my husband and asked him to bring me some Bayer Aspirin when he was coming home.

Usually I am not phased by other people’s illnesses, but since it’s my sister, and we have the same genes (of course in different orders, neither here nor there) I self prescribed because we obviously have the same thing.  She said she was taking about six a day, I thought that was too many and only took one.  But then I looked at the directions and realized that I could take up to three at once and proceeded to take two.  Didn’t want to overdo now.

That was a Friday night.  The next day as I laid in bed, I noticed that the zipping was still going through my body.  I asked my husband to take me to the Emergency Room because after all I’m dying and why should I drive myself.  He was tired, and I guess so accustomed to the doctor in my head, that he suggested I just go to sleep.  So of course I pulled out the guilt card and asked how he could just lie there and expect me to do the same when I could be dying.

Since I had gone to the ER a few times and after running multiple tests, nothing was discovered, I decided he might be on to something, so I resorted to calling my physician.  Did I mention that I had just finished paying off my last ER bill?  Eventually the on call doctor returned my call and said he doesn’t think it’s a blood clot.  Sounds more like sciatic nerve, he said.

Would you believe before I even hung up the zinging stopped, but all of a sudden my back was feeling weird!  And of course I concurred that he might be right because I was feeling some tingling in my back too.  He said if it continued I should call on Monday.  Well that’s what I thought he said.

After he said it wasn’t a blood clot, I felt better, so I didn’t call.  The office left a message on Monday, but I didn’t notice.  They called Tuesday morning and asked if I could come in.  I went in and confessed that I was a bit (just a tad bit) of a hypochondriac and if they didn’t find anything wrong, chances are I’m fine.  I also suggested that it could be symptoms of me getting old, and once they confirmed that, I’d be quite okay.

The last thing the doctor asked before I left was if I wanted her to prescribe anything for my nerves.  That was when I knew I had to get a grasp of this self diagnosing thingy.

OCD:

In one day I could wear three different outfits.  And I don’t mean to leave the house.  If I’m cooking, especially fish, then I refuse to wear the same clothes to do certain other chores.  If I have cleaned the bathroom, God forbid I keep those same clothes on to cook.  And of course whatever I have worn to throw the dirty clothes in the washer cannot be the same I sit down in to fold.  And that explains why I never wash and fold the same day.  I usually fold first thing the following morning ……. when I’m fresh.

And don’t get me started with the toilet.  It is impossible for me to plunge (again these kids..okay I confess I’m guilty sometimes) and don’t take a shower immediately.  Don’t judge me…..have you ever plunged and nothing splashes on you?  Speaking of splash, I cannot be the only one who hates to bathe right after someone else because that wet shower curtain might just touch me.  I know, I know, I’m about to get wet, but my idea of getting wet is not the curtain touching my arms before I am settled in the shower.

I know the kids get annoyed when I asked them to dry the pots for me…..please don’t forget and put the towel over your shoulder if you have just come in from playing.  And do I have to add that I have to see or hear them wash their hands before they touch anything in the kitchen?  And why do I have to take my apron off to use the bathroom if I’m cooking but if I’m not wearing the apron and go to the bathroom, I don’t change my clothes?  Hmmmm

Since we are on the topic of the kitchen, well I am.  Am I wrong to want the dirty dishes to be put in water so that the person who will be doing the dishes doesn’t have to see dried up food on the plates and utensils?  And I promise, one of these days after I have scrubbed the pots with the Comet, that should suffice and there would be no need to then wash them over with detergent and a sponge.

And what’s with the eggs in the carton?  As I take them out to cook, I alternate them.  I wonder if the eggs would be upset if they are all on the same side.  I wonder if I think the heavier side will make the entire carton drop.

Bipolar:

I could be on the phone with a sister or a sister friend when one of the kids does something outrageous.  I scream at him or her, then go right back on the phone with the sweetest, calmest “hello”.  Okay, every parent does that, right?

One thing I’m definitely not border line about is being happy.  When I look in the mirror I not only love, but actually like the person I see because perspectively speaking abnormal is the new normal, and at the end of the day, when you really get to know people, which of us isn’t quirky?