Friday, December 13, 2013

Sex and the Single Christian (Woman)

If you believe that ‘fornication’ is the second biggest ‘sin’ in the world, then please don’t read any further.  Okay, I take that back.  Instead, move your cursor a little to the right and please join this blog, then you don’t have to read anymore…….today.  But do return, because a future topic will most likely not offend you.  Those of you who are interested in a different perspective and are willing to read with an open mind, stay with me.  Now remember that I’m speaking from a secular and scientific point of view, so we won’t agree with each other on every point. 

Physiological needs are crucial to one’s survival.  They are air, food, water, sleep, homeostasis, excretion and sex.  Let me make this clear:  we NEED these seven things in order to survive – in order to live.  Do we have to get them every single day?  Although they are vital, NO.  But human beings cannot go without any of them for too long a period before something goes awry.

However, for some unknown reason, single Christians are lead to believe that they can do without sex.  I’m not making this up.  Single Christians breathe, drink water, eat food (and church people eat a lot of that), sleep (especially during sermons), maintain homeostasis and excrete (usually after church buffets); but as soon as they engage in sexual encounters, they immediately feel guilty.

In some churches, if two young people of the opposite sex are spending too much time together, right away they will be pressured by church leaders to marry so that they don’t get tempted to ‘fornicate’.  For single Christians, breathing is called breathing; food is called food; water is called water; however sex is called fornication, a term that carries so much stigma that no one wants to admit doing it.

These leaders don’t care if the couple is mature enough or financially stable enough for marriage; all they know is there will be no fornication taking place under their watchful eyes.  They don’t instill in these young people that marriage is not only about love and attraction and that compatibly, compromise and empathy play a huge part in any successful marriage.  No way.  Their agenda is not the couple’s everlasting happiness.  It is making sure that they do not engage in illicit actions.

In some churches, if an unmarried woman gets pregnant, she is banned from the church altogether or prohibited from taking part in certain actives and leadership roles.  However, the other single people who are engaging in sexual activities, but have managed not to get pregnant are allowed to take part in any and all activities.  After all, they have been lucky enough to keep their activities in the dark.  Some churches go as far as to remove the ban once the woman gets married.  So, all other ‘sins’ that she partakes in go unabashed, but that one, whoa.  If a single Christian woman has a child out of wedlock, she carries that guilt with her for the rest of her life.  Living with shame and guilt forever seems like a tad bit long, just a tad.  Now, you Christians know better than I, so correct me if I’m wrong, but Mary wasn’t married to her baby daddy, and nobody ever gave her a hard time.  Do I hear an "Amen"?  No?  Too soon?

Although I am not a Christian and cannot relate 100%, like every other church going adolescent/young adult, I have thought about taking that step.  However, several things kept me from taking the plunge.  And sex is NOT even one of them.  Just the idea of living my life as someone else is enough to deter me from being a serious member of any religious organization.  Are you telling me that I’ll have to stop laughing at crude jokes, and I’ve never met a rude joke that I didn’t like.  Are you telling me that I’d have to feel guilty every time I told a white lie, slipped a baker’s dozen, gossiped, laughed at someone, thought something negative of someone?  And I’m not implying that that is all that I am.  I’m saying that with my good comes my not so good.  Why?   Because I’m human!

To me, being a Christian seemed like hard work, and I just pictured myself always forgetting not to drop the F bomb in inappropriate places.  Sure religious leaders tell you that it is okay to come as you are because only Jesus is perfect, and then in the next breath, they remind you to strive to be like Him.  Right away, that is a set up for failure.  I was born with a conscience: I do not need a conscience police every time I do something.

For instance, and this is completely hypothetical.  Suppose I purchase an electric deep fryer and try it twice, but realize that making my homemade fries in my own pot taste better.  Suppose I decide to return the deep fryer to let’s say, Bed, Bath & Beyond, and the cashier/manager is the person I go to.  What if I’m in hurry and when he inquires if the item was used, I decide to say no?  Now remember this is all hypothetical.  Then suppose when he opens the box, and visions of fries, oil and burgers are flying through the air.  Then what if he gives me a look, like “Seriously dude!”  Then what if I hypothetically say, “Oh I just put oil in there to try it.”  Then he hypothetically responds, “You were going to get your refund anyway.  We just wanted to know if we can put it back on the shelf.”  Now if I were a Christian, I would feel guilty for a long time and beat myself up; but since I’m just Myra, if that were to happen to me, I’d just laugh it off and say, “Oh well.”

Digression aside, I’m still amazed at the number of people who still frown upon an individual, especially a woman getting her grove on, if she is not married.  Am I the only person who realizes that lack of sex can lead to insanity?  Yeah I said it, and I’ll say it again.  Show me a person who is not having sex, and I will show you a crazy person.  I’m not saying that everybody who is crazy is not having sex.  I’m just saying that every time a person goes crazy, lack of sex tends to be involved.  And if she is a Christian, it’s just a quicker way to insanity.

Of course I don’t have any scientific proof.  I just know that growing up, whenever someone went deranged, it was usually due to a combination of two factors:  too much religion and too little sex.  Again, I’m not implying that every religious fanatic who is sexually deprived will become insane.  I’m just saying that after witnessing a few people from my village who lost it from too much religion and too little sex, the writing was on the wall.  They usually quoted scriptures, cursed God and pranced around naked.  You do the math.

I still cannot figure out why sexually active, grown, single women find the need to hide their acts from others.  Don’t they know that sex is as important to humans as oxygen?  Don’t they know that they can still be good Christian women and continue to serve the Lord?  What is up with all the guilt?  What is up with all the crying on the altar? 

Now please don’t read too much into my words.  Don’t assume that I’m the biggest sex fiend there is and assume that my husband is the luckiest man alive.  Please don’t go there because like most mothers and wives, I still have chores to take care of that make me very tired at nights.  I’m just saying that if I was a single, grown, sexually active woman, I cannot imagine who on this earth would make me feel guilty about being who I am.  And certainly not those pastors who expect the church to be their personal harem, but that’s a different post altogether.

Maybe it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it all because I haven’t been single as an adult.  And I don’t want to appear insensitive, but these non-virgin, adult, Christian women are really not fooling anyone.  Am I going to believe that because they are church goers that they are celibate?  I know it sounds real cynical.  Maybe I’m a cynic, but I’m also a realist.  The adult woman that probably has the least sex is the married one.  So who is her husband going to get his grove on with?

I know this is not dinnertime topic, more like men’s locker room topic, and not the topic for the married mother of three young children.  But again, am I the only one who is tired of all these taboos that we have to live by?  There are enough laws to obey that can actually put people in jail.  I have no time to remember the ones whose main purpose is to make life more comfortable for other people and more stressful for myself.  But just like I don’t expect people to drink dirty water when they are thirsty, or food from a pig sty when they are hungry, I’m not saying that these women should be promiscuous.  All I’m saying is if a grown woman thinks that she has found someone that she wants to share her body with, it is her prerogative because perspectively speaking when you gotta go, you gotta go, and when you gotta come, you gotta come.


  1. Lol....Myra get it right. A married woman don't fornicate and a single woman don't have sex,it's the other way said fornication is the second biggest sin ?.What is the first??

  2. Very good reading

  3. once again you went there. Great reading girl. Continue to be on top of it.

  4. AMEN and Alleluia!!! I am very happy to know that I'm not the only person that share these opinions. Too often so called Christian churches lead the young people astray by forcing on them their 'twisted interpretation' of Bible teachings; then they wonder why there is so much domestic violence?? Seriously, when you make young single adults believe that they are committing a heinous crime by having sex (fornicating) and it is something that should be enjoyed by 'married' couples only, the result is either a young woman leaving the church or Christianity, becoming loose and not caring about herself or her body because it's her life or one who remains faithful as she aims to please her Christian church and not necessarily herself because she's ashamed of who she is as a woman and feels it's an insult to God to embrace her sexuality and femininity. Sex is extremely healthy and one should indulge as much as possible to ensure the body remains in sync with the mind. You are absolutely correct that the people having sex are the happiest whilst the people who have it in limited doses or not at all are a bit psychotic. Well done Myra......I love it!!!

  5. Isn't this the big issue of today. The rights of women to control what options they feel is right for them, not those who have no clue about a women's body and what they may or msy not need.


  6. Myra,
    It's good to know that I will have company in the afterlife, since we obviously won't get into "heaven" with these opinions.

  7. Very interesting Myra, but do you think people feel guilty simply by engaging in the act before they are married or is it because in doing so they believe that they did not honor themselves (their bodies) or ultimatley God's word? Remember the saying, "If a man can get the milk for free, why should he bother buy the cow?" Just like anything else, if one fails to do his best on his job, or his school work, he gets demoted or a bad report card, so too his self esteem is affected. However, it is ultimately what he attributed his failure(s) to. Having premarital sex has it consequences... good and bad! If the outcome is negative, it will be attributed to one's poor choice... disobeying God's words etc. On the other hand, if premarital sex resulted in something positive, usually, the couple will attempt to make correct their error and marry. Whether one is a Christian or not, most people want to do the 'right' thing, which is to secure their relationship with their significant other. My thing is, air, water, food, is a basic need... sex too, but there is something a bit different with sex. It depends on one's value system... one must determine its degree as a need. That determination of degree depends on self. When one aligns his actions with his values there is no Guilt but when one doesn't do that he is bound to feel let down by self, his self esteem suffers, he feels GUILT...

    In the meantime it is always good to have a close relationship with God, talk to Him like a friend, tell Him, "Lord, you know sex is so, so sweet, I want to do the right thing but bear with me as I try to align myself..." He understands...

    It is equally important to know that priests, pastors, teachers, parents etc, must teach the truth... we all yearn to be like God or want the best for ourselves. When we fail Him or ourselves we dishonor Him (ourselves) and will always feel some degree of guilt.

    1. Amen to your response Laetitia. We are to be wrecked with guilt if we call ourselves Christians, followers of Christ and still live contrary to what God has command. He said his command are not burdensome and our faith in him and our trust that his will will be done iin our lives should provide the strength we need to endure till the end.
      sex outside of marriage for the Christian marriage is sexual immorality...just like if you as a married woman had an affair outside of your marriage, you have violated the trust that your husband had in you...even though you do not suffer the burden of being a Christian.
      a christian woman/man violates the trust that God has in her/ using their bodies for their own pleasure outside of god's ordained plans for sex.
      Whatever your feelings are does not trump what God's will cannot. It is irresponsible to conclude(i guess this is for entertainment purposes ONLY though...and you did state a disclaimer)....but to say that in every, then corrected to most cases of mental breakdown, that lack of sex or too much religion was the cause.
      I do enjoy your blog...but your perspective on this matter is indeed coming from the blind side.

  8. .. and yet another trap for weak Christians to read, shake their head in agreeance and engage in actions that they know with in their heart are not Pleasing to God. That's the picture. Are my actions pleasing to God. Yes my flesh wants to be touched, yes I want a world shaking orgasm, but will my actions please God. He is all that matters to me. So single Christian men and women. ... don't take advice from an atheist on the prowl for more recruits.

    1. I agree with you, wholeheartedly.

  9. If you are a Christian then you are to live your live by biblical standards. Lawyers, Accountants and Doctors all have a code of ethics that govern their profession but when it comes to Christians everyone wants it to be a free for all. 1 Corinthians 7:2 - "Nevertheless, [to avoid] fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." Its God rules not ours. If you dont like them then just find another religion that allows you to "Do what thou wilt...". But be cautioned; to every choice or liberty we take there is a consequence. My dear would you take medical advice from a sales clerk? then if you are not a christian please do not give advice to Believers.

    Rev 21:8 "But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death"

    1. Amen.......Obedience to God should not come as a burden.