Monday, November 19, 2012

Just Tell Her, Already!

I know of women who get depressed, threaten to leave, actually leave their men because these men cannot find it within themselves to tell their women that they love them.  But it’s not just saying it and meaning it; it is also showing it.  People break up for all sorts of reasons, and apparently, not feeling appreciated is one of them.

Recently, I watched an old Oprah episode and this poor woman was beside herself because she didn’t feel loved by her husband.  Through tears, she explained that she had to remind him to bring flowers when she gave birth to their twins.  She complained that she has to remind him of every birthday, anniversary and Valentine’s Day.  Then she cried even more from the pain of knowing that he only does anything when she reminds him. 

The man in me thinks, “Seriously, she is crying for flowers!”  When I gave birth to my twins, flowers were the last thing on my mind.  After I recovered from my C-section, I just wanted to pass my first gas, get some food, get dressed and get the hell out of Dodge.  After being on bed rest for months, I was tore up from the floor up.  I just wanted to go home and get back into my skinny jeans and feel like myself again.  Flowers?  Please.

But the woman in me thinks, “Seriously, dude!  After this woman has picked up, washed, folded and put away your drawers; after she has made sure your dinner is always ready; after she has provided a clean house for you, the least you can do is tell her what she wants to hear when she wants to hear it.  I mean, is it gonna kill you to just tell her?”

Then the guy in me thinks again, “Valentine’s Day?  You are bitching about Valentine’s Day?”  That is a made up holiday to get consumers to part with their money.  And everyone knows I’m not falling for that!  Plus, it’s your birthday and anniversary.  You remember and celebrate them; he doesn’t.  Sure it will hurt the first three or four times, but by the fifth time, you go out alone, do something special for yourself and buy something exquisite.  Trust me;  after a while, he won’t forget.  In fact, not only will he remember, but he will surely get you something cheaper to stop you from spending too much money.

But then the woman in me thinks, wouldn’t it be nice to be surprised on your special day?  Wouldn’t it be nice to spend that day with the person you love the most in the world?  Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a special gift without prompting anyone?

Look I’ve been in my relationship for a long time, so I know what it was like in the beginning getting my guy to romance me like those heroines in Harlequin.  Truthfully, it doesn’t work.  After all, most young men do not want to appear whipped whether in public or private.  I get that now.  What I don’t get is a grown ass man who has been with a woman, married or not, for years and still has the nerve to say that he’s not romantic or he’s uncomfortable being mushy.  I don’t think any reasonable woman is looking for candle light dinners every night.  All she wants is a compliment here and there.  A special look now and then.  A hug once in a while.  She just wants to feel loved.  In fact, if you do it right, you don’t have to say anything.

Instead, some men choose to be stubborn about that little matter.  It really isn’t brain surgery.  If a man can’t or won’t show love to his woman, she will think one thing and one thing only.  HE DOES NOT LOVE ME.  Once that happens, she will do one of two things: stay miserable in the relationship or leave for another man.  And of course, she will make a point of letting the world know that it wasn’t about sex…….at first.

Many of you have figured out by now that I’m quite practical.  So if my husband is putting up with my crap and hasn’t left as yet, chances are he still loves me; and I will assume that until told otherwise.  And since I’m not a big woman, if I ask, “Does this make my butt look big?” I expect to hear, “YES!”  But whereas it takes a lot to offend me, and whereas I am pretty flexible, typically, women thrive on hearing those special words, feeling those tender sentiments. 

And really, at the end of the day, it is all about compromise.  I don’t particularly like to cook; but my husband has to eat.  Yes, when I was younger and more hardheaded I used to act out whenever I had to cook and wasn’t in the mood.  Now I look forward to cooking for him.  It gives me great pleasure to have him come home to a hot meal.  Why?  Because I’m doing something wonderful for someone that I love.  And in a relationship it cannot always be about one person’s needs.

Look, let’s keep it real.  This is 2012, and we are all adults here.  Well, if you are reading this and you are not fully grown, what the heck, keep on reading.  It’s best to know what the deal is sooner than later.  Women compromise all the time.  The truth is, and I’m speaking for the majority of women, it’s not that we don’t like sex as much as men.  It’s just that when our heads hit the pillows, one million things are on our minds, and sex is one million and one.  We are thinking about what we have to do tomorrow, what we are going to cook, what we have to do for the kids, the chores we need to complete; the list goes on and on.  But what do most women do?  Find a way to put that at the back of their heads and be there for their husbands.  So men have got to put insecurities, false pride, or what other stumbling blocks are in the way and just do the right thing because perspectively speaking, women get married for love and men get married for the loving.


  1. True dat! Any marriage or relationship is about compromise, but I think 'maturity' is also a key word. Until you or your partner are at that point where you realize that "I'm doing this because I love & respect my partner", and not because he/she wants me to or because he/she has to, then somebody going be crying or leaving.

    But, it would be good to get the real male perspective (not knocking Myra's male alter ego, lol) on why they don't do what women consider 'little' things.

  2. It's not that you are not loved, we, like you, are also thinking about other things, most of which encompasses the other aspects of taking care of the family. I must admit we do tend to take what women consider the little things but in our defense we are often overwhelmed by things we keep bottled up.

  3. I like this very honest response. So, what keeps guys from sharing? If keeping things bottled up is causing "mis-communication" (because women are obviously thinking guys don't care), why not change that mindset and share? Even if it's a little bit at a time.