It’s Okay to Need Him

Every time I greet a young family member or friend, my first usually question is, “How is school?”  No matter how young the child is, I generally follow with, “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?”  I often hear, “I don’t have one.”  To which I then reply, “That’s a weird name.”  But it always puts a smile on the child’s face and a frown on the adult’s face.  The adult tends to say, “S/he is too young for that.”  Or I would hear, “What nonsense are you asking the child?”  And I usually want to sneeze, “Bullshit.”  But I mostly respond with, “Don’t act like you were never young.”

Unless it’s just me, I always had a crush on somebody as a schoolgirl.  And as an adult, I have no problem with kids having their innocent relationships.  Seriously, what are the average 10 years olds going to do, but giggle when they see the person they like?  And if they are brave enough to become boyfriend and girlfriend, the most they will do is hold hands.  (If you know your child is loose, then please don’t try this at home.) So that is why I’m always tickled when a child actually admits to having a boyfriend or girlfriend.

It shows that this child is beginning to figure out what s/he wants in a mate.  And really that is not a bad thing.  Chances are, she would not be the woman at 35 that her parents keep asking, “When are you going to start dating?”  He would not be the guy at 30 who keeps falling for the wrong woman because he is not used to the fairer sex. 

The other day I was assessing my relationship (because that’s what I do), and I thought to myself how lucky I am to have someone like my husband in my life.  Then I reassessed (because that’s what I also do) and realized that luck was indeed a part of it, but making good decisions played a bigger part.

At 13, I had already learned that if I kept running and hiding from the guy I liked because I was too shy to speak to him in person, I would never get to know him.

By 15, I figured out that if I my instincts told me not to trust a guy it was because he wasn’t trustworthy.

At 17, I knew for sure that if I was afraid to be myself around my boyfriend in case he wouldn’t like the real me, then he wasn’t the guy for me.

So by 19, when I had so much fun hanging out with the guy I was dating, when I trusted him completely, when I could be myself with him, when I regarded him as my best friend but still had feelings for him, I figured to myself, let’s see where this is going.  I didn’t push.  I didn’t pressure.  I just went with the flow.  And 24 years later, things seem to still be going in the right direction.

Last weekend when I watched Iyanla, Fix My Life, she worked with 300 single women who were having a hard time finding and/or keeping a man.  I was thoroughly amazed that women in 2012 had so many common ‘men issues’: 

-         My daddy wasn’t around, so I don’t trust men.

-         He is intimidated by the amount of money I make.

-         I have body issues, so I’m afraid to get close to anyone.

-         He is not tall enough, rich enough, old enough, young enough.

-         I had been told all my life that I don’t need a man to take care of me.

I get the feeling that some of these women were the same little girls who got offended when another adult asked if they had a boyfriend.  I get the feeling that some of these women have been told for so many years that they don’t need a boyfriend.  I get the feeling that these women probably didn’t even have guy friends so have no idea how men think.  And I know for sure that Harlequin and his friends are to be blamed for putting so many unrealistic images in their minds.

Let’s just get the record straight.  I need a man!  Not to validate me, but because it is physiological.  Plus, who is going to throw out the garbage, lift the heavy stuff and change the oil in my car?  Luckily, the same person who is going to lotion my back, rub my aching feet, surprise me with Ducuna, salt fish and chop chop (Google it) and keep me warm at nights.  There is nothing wrong with needing someone.  We all need someone.  It doesn’t mean that you are vulnerable.  It doesn’t mean that you can’t do it by yourself.  It doesn’t mean that if you will get hurt.  It just means that you are normal, alive and well.

Most of the women on the show remind me of my kids learning Algebra.  They always worry about the answer, the end result.  It doesn’t matter how carefully they follow the steps, they become unsure about the outcome.  It doesn’t matter how many exercises they practice, when the real problems come, they forget all the basics and panic. 

Ladies, we just need to relax, take a deep breath and see where things go.  If you are having fun with the guy, then proceed.  If you are not and being around him seems to be a chore, free yourself up to have fun with someone else.  It’s really not that difficult. 

And don’t be so picky.  I know everyone wants tall, dark and handsome (ok, most of us) and although no one ever daydreams of short, fat and ugly; sometimes that is where happiness lies. 

Women tend to overanalyze too much.  They forget that in some ways, men and women are the same.  Men are afraid of getting hurt too.  Men have self-esteem issues too.  Men have trust issues too.  The difference is that when men get hurt, when they are betrayed, when they feel disrespected, they don’t roll up in a ball and cry themselves to sleep for the rest of their lives.  They shake it off and seek love again.  They don’t give up on love, on women and on life.

I realize that some of this is generalized but, perspectively speaking, I have never met a man who hangs out with his buddies and rebuffs women repeatedly because he is convinced that he doesn’t need a woman.