Friday, February 7, 2014

Dear John

Dear Charmin,
If I had wanted hard, strong toilet paper, I would have bought Scott.  I like soft, cottony toilet paper for a reason.

Dear Quaker Oats,
If I had wanted a smaller box of oatmeal, I would have purchased a smaller box of oatmeal.  And don’t think that I didn’t notice you reduced the size of the box but increased the price.

Dear Telephone Directory,
I have access to  Please stop killing the trees and filling up my mail box.  I don’t need you.  I don’t want you.  You are useless to me.

Dear Unavailable Caller,
If you are unavailable, then I’m unavailable too.  The fact that you don’t want me to know who you are, already means that you know that I don’t want to speak to you.

Dear Credit Card Company,
When I wanted credit, you denied me.  Now that I don’t need credit, you keep sending me pre-approved applications.  I’ll call you, don’t call me.

Dear Free Gift Department,
If you have a ‘free gift’ for me [redundant since a gift is already free], just send it in the mail.  I don’t need to come and hear a no-obligation, 90 minute presentation that will hold me hostage for 6 hours.

Dear Dell Computer,
If you value my business so much that you send me a thank you coupon, please don’t tell me what to purchase and how much to purchase in order to activate it.

Dear Victoria Secret,
If you don’t want me to collect my free panty, then don’t send me a coupon.  If I need a bra, I will buy a bra.

Dear JCPenney,
If I want life insurance, I will call a life insurance company.  Stop sending me an offer for a chance to win a $500 shopping spree.  Every time I call, unfortunately I’m not a lucky winner, but I’m eligible for life insurance from Stonebridge.  And you are willing to pay the first month.  Uhh…no thank you.  I’ll just take the consolation prize of a $10 gift card, thank you.

Dear Magazine Company,
I have gotten enough bags through subscriptions.  Don’t need anymore.  If you want me to come back, try bribing me with something else other than a bag.  I only have two hands.

Dear STS Tire,
I just went to you for my annual inspection.  Please don’t send me a coupon for $10 off my next inspection if it is going to expire within the year.

Dear Home Depot,
I just bought a microwave for over $300.  Chances of me buying another appliance for over $300 in the same month are very slim.  Why didn’t you give me the discount then?

Dear Sears Auto,
I just spent a couple hundred dollars to service my car.  What didn’t I do that you had to send me a $50 coupon on my next service of $300 or more?

Dear Online Store,
I just purchased an item from you.  Please advertise other items on my internet pages and not the exact same thing I just purchased.

Dear R&B singer,
I am very impatient.  If I can fit a whole sentence between two of your words, you’ve lost me with that song.

Dear TV shows,
Stop trying to convince me that naughty is the new nice.  Why did shows like Undercovers and Reed Between the Lines tank, but characters like Mary Jane Paul and Olivia Pope are glamorized for being mistresses?  (And you all know this gladiator loves her some Scandal.)

Dear Judge Mathis,
You know I love you, but stop saying “should have went” instead of “should have gone”.

Dear Educated People on TV,
Stop saying between you and I.  Actually, stop saying ‘any preposition’ followed by you and I.  It drives me CRAZY!

Dear Manufacturer,
How do you manage to time my product to break immediately after the warranty has expired?  Do you work with the NSA or something?  I’m not mad at you; I just need help finding my camera charger.

Dear TV Reporter,
Stop using certain adjectives to sway your audience’s emotions.  If a disturbed 14 year old shoots up a school, that still doesn’t make him a gunman.

Dear Local News Station,
Stop telling me that I can now get my news any time I want just because you now have a 4:00 news hour.  What if I want to get my news at 10:06 am or 8:11 pm, can you deliver?  You are not CNN.  You cannot give me 24 hour news on demand.  Speaking of which…….

Dear CNN,
When you first came on the scene, you acted like you were going to give fresh news 24/7.  When I have watched you in the past, you just kept broadcasting the same 15 minutes worth of news over and over for a couple of hours. 

Dear MSNBC and Fox News,
Not because you don’t broadcast the same news for hours like CNN makes you any different.  Using different anchors’ spin on the same crap doesn’t help either.

Dear Media,
Stop trying to portray Philip Seymour Hoffman as an angel.  I get that he is a beloved actor that died tragically and suddenly.  “He has been sober for over 20 years.  He took one celebratory drink in 2012 which lead to him experimenting with heroin in 2013.  Afraid that the snorting would escalate to IV use, he checked himself into rehab for 10 days.”  He was thoroughly admired by many, but he made a terrible judgment call.  Please let it go.  You are beginning to make him appear like every church girl that gets pregnant out of wedlock, “It only happened one time.”

Perspectively Speaking,
Myra Francis


  1. OMG!!! I am laughing so hard in the doctor's office. U ain't never lied with this dear John post. Great job as usual.
    Denise Hunte-Smith

  2. Truth!! M, you hit the proverbial nail right on the damned head!!! It's sooo sickening with the nerve of some of these very companies...sending you a teeny weeny discount offering after you've spent big bucks. Get a life people, I've got one!! Well done.

  3. You know that you are so right and I can, SO, totally relate. I am just dying with laugh here. Too true!

  4. And to make it even worse, they went after three dealers to see if they were the ones who sold PHS the drugs! Really????? This was so true though! If they're "unavailable, then I'm unavailable too!"

  5. Dear Myra,
    Thank you for the laughs:)