Monday, April 8, 2013

Isn’t Watching Milk Boil Adventurous Enough?

My kids tell me that I have an assuming problem.  It’s not an assuming problem per se as much as it is my great power of deduction.  If I ask what’s wrong, if I am trying to ascertain the root of an argument, if I’m trying to figure out why kids just started fighting as I turn my back, and the responses don’t make sense, then I will have to deduce from their body language, from prior comments and from their actions what the real problem is. 

Usually when I write a post, I use my own personal experiences or feelings, but I think I am going to rely on my power of deduction for this one.  Oh, and from the research I gather from watching TV.

I know you didn’t ask, but since I’m the one writing this post, I’m going to go ahead and tell you what is Must See TV for me.  First and foremost, I cannot miss Real Time with Bill Maher, and for some reason it just doesn’t feel right if I’m not watching it live.  Nothing else is more stimulating to my brain than what I see at 10 pm on Friday nights.  Next we have my guilty pleasures: Scandal, Deception and Revenge.  It must be the soap opera appeal that keeps calling me back for more or the one name title, but I just can’t resist.  Then there is Criminal Minds; to me, nothing more is intriguing than a warped mind.  I mean, do these people have normal thoughts consistent with how we “normal” people have crazy thoughts?

And love her or hate her, Oprah has cornered the market for intensity on the Oprah Winfrey Network, (OWN).  I don’t particularly like reality shows, but I just couldn’t keep my eyes off Six Little McGhees.  They were ratchet, and by that I mean ratchaaaaaaaaaet.  But shows like Iyanla: Fix My Life and In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman really teach me a lot about myself.  And who doesn’t want to be a better person?  With Our America with Lisa Ling and Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal, I get to see what makes people tick, what makes us all unique; and they help me to see people for who they are without being judgmental.

Okay, I confess, when I am chilling I watch anything on Discovery Investigation, but enough about my TV watching.  Growing up I thought only men cheated.  After all, majority of the men in my neighborhood had at least one child out of wedlock.  Heck, I thought only black men cheated because on TV the husbands always did what the wives wanted; they always took care of their wives; and it didn’t matter how wrong the wives were, the husbands always responded, “Yes, dear.”   Okay there were one or two like Archie Bunker who chided his wife daily; but even he, at the end of the day, would never cheat on his wife.  Then we got cable, and Lifetime showed me that cheating had no barriers.  No one was immune from cheating – not race, not ethnicity, not gender, not socioeconomic status could stop someone from cheating or being cheated on.

So back to my powers of deduction.  In pretty much every episode of Unfaithful, whenever the cheating spouse gets caught, the illicit affair is over.  Stat!!!  It’s not that the mistress is suddenly no longer appealing; it’s not that the lover suddenly stops listening, being attentive or gives complements where the husband didn’t; it’s that the risk is gone.  The relationship has lost its thrill!  Most of these people who cheat don’t do it because they no longer love their spouses; they do it because they are bored stiff in the marriage.  And instead of finding ways to make the marriage more exciting, they decide it is easier to make their lives more exciting outside of the marriage.

I know Ludacris suggests that a man have ‘a lady in the street but a freak in the bed’, but who said that it had to be two different people?  Usually on Unfaithful, the cheating wife drops all inhibitions with her lover.  Doesn’t she know that this is the same woman her husband is seeking outside of the marriage?  Sprucing up and refreshing the marriage every so often to keep the fires burning have got to be a lot less stressful than cheating,  and a lot more exciting than keeping up with lies.

Several days ago, I watched Tyler Perry’s new movie, Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor, and it reinforced what I had already started writing in this post.  Monotony and boredom are the perfect recipe for a failed marriage.  But speaking of that movie, how dare Tyler Perry?  Don’t get me wrong.  I like the dude, but if he is going to write a predictable movie filled with every cliché in the book, would it hurt to throw Madea in?  It doesn’t even need any rhyme or reason, (you know, something like said movie), but jut for some comic relief.  And I know he has written 13 films, and I none, but I just paid for that movie, so I’m at liberty to criticize.  Dude just set me back about four years because my husband doesn’t like going to the movies, but I really wanted to see it, which I might add could have easily been an episode on one of his weekly shows, but he relented.  Now it’s going to take something as fresh and creative as The Best Man for me to get him back into the theater any time soon.

Now I realize I might be simplifying this cheating thing, and I understand that some people are just going to cheat no matter what, but if perchance someone is reading this and is about to cheat, can I just suggest some alternatives? 
·        Go outside and play any sport with your young child and see how long before you will need an oxygen tank.
·        See how long you can keep hot wax on your arm before screaming like a little beatch.

Or if you are really serious about being a grown up, I have two more suggestions:
§  After the kids go to bed, strip for your guy.  I suggest doing it to a sexy rhythm like With Ur Love by Cher Lloyd and Mike Posner or anything by Shaggy or Pitbull.
§  When the kids are not around, wear only an apron and cook something for your lady.  Not duccuna (Google it) and salt fish, but something quick like grilled fish and vegetables.

If none of these work, then maybe your idea of cheating to spice up your life was not a bad idea after all.  However, if you are the kind that is going to feel remorse for the rest of your life, think about it because perspectively speaking, all of these suggestions are just as exhilarating and take as much time as jumping in the sack with someone else, but without the guilt.


  1. Love my A-Game but show some respect for the B's too. Isn't that what love is? Being able to stick to it through the thong, bikini and bongo-bag phase.

  2. Getting it right... Bingo-bag aka big-drawers aka granny-panties