Parents are so much more practical than parents-to-be and people
who don’t have kids. Well, most of
the times. Don’t believe me? Remember how you swore when you become a
parent that you would never hit your kids or shout at them? Remember how you swore they were always going
to be well behaved? Remember how you
swore that their noses would never run without being wiped? Okay that last one was me, and I was able to easily hold
myself to it. But the others,
please!!!
Years ago, I was on the subway and saw a child and her mother having meltdowns. When the young mother
cursed at the toddler, my heart dropped.
Who says words like that to an innocent child? And how can a grownup not control herself in
public? Obviously, the child acts like
that at home, so she will behave in the same manner outside. Well, today, I wish I could apologize to that
young woman because it doesn’t matter what expectations we have of our children,
they will not always meet them. Like any
relationship, it is all about expectations.
In our minds, as parents, we expect them to do EVERYTHING we tell them
to do; and we expect to talk only once. After
all, good kids listen, and bad kids don’t.
A few days
ago, I told the kids to clean their rooms.
My daughter spent about 60 –90 minutes while the boys spent about 6 – 9
minutes. I expected them to get rid of their
junk so that when I go to vacuum, polish and organize things, it wouldn't take me
too long. I completed her room in about
30 minutes, but when I got to my youngest’s, I was appalled. Snack wrappers, blankets, pillow cases, stationery,
and the usual suspects, underwear and socks were piled under his bed. Oh hell no!!
We are still doing this? That is
so two
years ago.
The old me would have cursed him out, maybe throw in a spanking,
but all that does is raise my blood pressure, get my heart pumping in a not so
good way and just leave me frazzled. And
I’m not going out like this. There is no
way they are sending me to an early grave and have some young, perky stepmother
take my place. No way!
My older son is obviously more responsible so I was expecting to spend
the same amount of time in his room like I did in my daughter’s. I won’t say I was shocked, but I took a
pregnant pause when I saw he had taken a page out of his brother’s
book. School work and books under his
bed, snack wrappers in a treasure chest and scraps of paper on his
dresser. I thought to myself, “How many
times have I told these boys not to do stuff like this? How difficult is it to put clothes in a
hamper and garbage in a pail?” Then it hit me. In my mind, I expect them to do what they
need to do before they do what they want to do; but in their minds, they expect
to hurry up doing what I asked them to do so they can do what they want to do.
As I’m about to get angry again for having to repeat myself for
the 1000th time I recalled another time when a parent expected kids to do what they needed to do so they can do what they wanted to do. About 30 years ago during some school
vacation, our father had some tomatoes that needed to be reaped. I imagine in his mind he expected that with
five kids, he can just get them to quickly pick these tomatoes so that he can
get them sold and continue with his day.
In his adult mind, he is thinking he doesn’t need the get the workers
because his kids can knock this off in a short time. So we all jumped in the
pickup truck and drove to the farm to reap the tomatoes.
If you have ever picked ripe tomatoes in the hot sun, you would
understand that it is not as simple as an adult would think. We could not resist eating the pretty ones or throwing the rotten ones
at each other when our father wasn’t looking, or when we thought he wasn’t looking. He warned us so many times to quit; he
threatened that he would make us walk home the 10 mile trek if we didn’t stop;
but we just could not resist the tomato fight.
All the poor man wanted to do was to get the tomatoes bagged and sold and move
on with his life. But in our teenage
minds, when else were we ever going to have a tomato fight like this?
When he told us to leave his tomatoes and leave the farm, we didn’t
believe. But when we saw his face, we
knew he was serious. When we were positive
he couldn’t hear or see us anymore, we started
cracking up, rolling on the ground. We
walked almost all of the way, fooling around the entire time. Never once did we get serious until we
entered the house and saw him.
Just as our father forgot what kind of child he was and expected teenagers
to maturely and quietly pick tomatoes, that is how many parents are. Even I, who put the M in mischievous, expect my kids to always do the right thing. Please, every vacation day when our mother
told us to take a nap, I would wait until everyone was settled in bed to tickle
their feet. You would think by the
Thursday, I would come up with something different after hearing on Monday, on
Tuesday, on Wednesday to stop and go to sleep, but noooooooo, without fail,
every single day I would obnoxiously tickle them until my mother called me and
forced me to sleep right next to her.
The other day, I assessed my kids, and I was sincerely impressed. Okay, they might not remember to wipe the
toothpaste out of the sink EVERY TIME, they might not remember to pull the
shower curtain back EVERY TIME, they might not remember to clean the table,
island and counter EVERY NIGHT, they might not remember to close and open the
shades EVERY DAY, they might not remember to do everything the right way, but
that is because they are NOT perfect.
They do quite well in school.
They play musical instruments. They
play sports. They cook. They clean.
They are well behaved in class.
Notice I said in class. The other
day at lunch, my youngest got written up because he and a girl put shredded cheese in
another boy’s drink. Between you and me,
that prank is sweeeeeeeet. And if the cheese
and the drink are going in the same place, what’s the big deal?
Yesterday my eldest came home right after school because he said he had a
project due the next day. The next thing
I know he is cleaning the table, the island, and the counter, throwing away the
recycle garbage, making juice and sweeping the kitchen. Chores that are split between him, his
siblings and me. Who is this person, and
what did he do with my son? Then he did
his homework and played his flute for about 20 minutes. Of course I’m still bewildered, then he said,
“Mommy, can I practice my foul shots outside?”
How can I say no?
Parents want their children to be perfect – always well behaved,
only speak when they are spoken to, always do what they have to do without
being told, never having to be reminded of what they should do. Parents want their kids to be perfect, not
because they can brag, although that doesn’t hurt, but perfect kids imply
perfect parents, perfect parenting.
A few years ago as I laid in bed, I noticed my daughter’s sock on
the floor right next to our hamper.
After telling them 400 times to make sure the clothes go in the hamper
and to put their clothes in their own hampers, I woke her up. I brought her to our room and asked, “ What’s
that on the floor?” She looked at me
blankly and snapping her fingers, replied, “Toes.” Poor little girl was in such a daze that she
didn’t know what was going on. She knew
it had something to do with feet, but she was too sleepy to know for sure.
Now, I’ve learned that it’s really not that serious. First, my strategy is not working. Second, my strategy is not working because I’m
looking for parenting to be easy; but this is not ‘set it and forget it’. Parenting is constant. Parenting is repetitive. Now when I see a sock on the floor, I pick it
up. I pick it up because obviously
someone threw it in without looking to make sure that it went in properly. Ten and twelve year olds are not going to
double check. Yes, it is okay to let
them know when you do a job, do it to your best, but on the other hand, expecting
everything they do to be perfect is CRAZY.
So my new strategy is to lower the bar. Not lowering the bar where anything goes, but
lowering the bar of perfection. Do they
sometimes make me breakfast in bed? Yes. Do they do their homework without being
told? Yes. Do they sometimes do what they are not supposed
to do? Yes. Do they sometimes say things they are not
supposed to? Yes. And they do it because they are people, not because
they are children, but because they are people.
There are so many things that I don’t do that I’m supposed to do and
vice versa; and I’m a grown woman.
